Many of us think of Santa as that kind, jolly old soul who appears annually on our doorsteps and chimneys and gives generously from his own plentiful store of toys back at the North Pole. Well, it turns out nothing could be further from the truth. I have recently come upon some troubling documentary evidence…
Holiday Eggnog (paleo, vegan, AIP)
T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, except for a mouse, Who felt very hungry and wanted a treat, And went to the pantry where he found some meat, “That’s not what I want!” said the mouse to himself, Wiped the ham off his paws and went…
Baked Apples with Coconut Crème Anglaise (paleo, AIP, vegan)
“Galahad! Oh, Galahad!” cried Lancelot. “What’s up, kickass knight man?” said Galahad. “I want to have a party!” “A party?” “Yes! A party! To celebrate my impending nuptials with Guinevere.” “I thought Guinevere was married to Arthur.” “No, that’s only in the movie version. In real life Guinevere is really in love with me.” “Do…
Chocolate/Carob Frozen Bananas with Pistachios/Coconut (paleo/AIP, vegan)
The other day I was walking down the boardwalk when I saw a monkey throwing a banana. “Hey monkey,” I said. “Why are you wasting a perfectly good banana?” The monkey looked at me and bared its teeth. “No garnish,” it said. “Excuse me?” “BANANA. HAS. NO. GARNISH!” It then pitched a banana at me,…
Tapioca Young Coconut Taro Pudding (paleo, AIP, vegan)
The girl stared around the crowded market, her eyes wide as she took in the endless rows of open stalls filled with hundreds of coconuts, breadfruit with their leathery green skins, hairy tubers, and fresh watermelon and papaya stands. Farmers had come from all over the main island and by boat from the outer islands,…
Holiday Mince Pies (paleo, AIP, vegan)
The snow fell onto the ice rink, shadowed by pine trees. Grinning at each other, the boy and girl scraped their skates on the ice. “Go!” shouted a neutral arbiter, and the two racers shot off towards the far side of the rink. They didn’t stop there, but looped around the rink, cutting grooves around their…
Kabocha Squash Biscuits (paleo, AIP, vegan)
It was Squash the Squash Biscuit Day in Giantland, and Wilfred the Giant was jumping up and down and rattling loose great boulders down the mountainside, so excited was he to begin the squash squashing festivities. You see, it all began 600 and 50 million years ago, when Giants first discovered giant squashes in Giantland….
Autumn Pumpkin Cheesecake (paleo, AIP, vegan)
The children were out in full force on the Heath homestead, ordered from shortest to tallest, Maisie holding a cantaloupe-sized pumpkin, James a jack-o’lantern variety, Kate a watermelon-sized one, and Gerald a 10-pound monster too big to fit a stockpot. “Over here!” yelled James, dropping his pumpkin on the ground as he stumbled upon a twisted…
Black Sesame Plum Cake with Cherry Jam (paleo, vegan)
The tart lay in pieces on the floor, its crunchy crust clove in two, sweet potato filling cloying in a gory mess to the kitchen tiles. “The Desserterer has struck again,” said the Chief of police, shaking his head morosely. The Detective scribbled something on a notepad. “You see that?” he said, pointing to where…
Purple Sweet Potato Haupia Pie (paleo, AIP, vegan)
Jake opened the sliding door and stepped out onto the hotel room balcony. The sun had just set, and purple clouds were hovering over the horizon, bordered on both sides by the bay’s looming cliffs. He leaned against the railing and looked down at the tiki-lit esplanade four stories below, at waiters in white jackets…
Chestnut Brownies (paleo, vegan)
Mr. Chipmunk shivered to himself in the brisk autumn air. The Meeting had been a harried affair, the shouts and cries of angry colony chipmunks still ringing in his ears, proclaiming doom and gloom, a never-ending battle over division of this year’s chestnut supply and the Great Human Problem. Mr. Chipmunk had had enough. He…
Rum Sunbutter Cups (paleo, vegan)
“Boom ba da boom boom!” Ernest looked up from his drum over to where the other gorillas were packing up their mallets and drumsticks. “That’s it for tonight, guys,” yelled Bert, the bandleader. “Practice tomorrow, same time.” “Hey Ernie, you joining us at the Jungle Room for drinks? It’s mojito night,” said Phil. Ernest shook his…
The Council of Gummy Bear-ond (paleo, AIP)
It was evenfall when Frodo awoke after his tumultuous adventure with all the horses and the magical river and the almost dying and all that, and he was, unsurprisingly, once again, feeling rather peckish. But as they hadn’t yet reached the part of the story where Sam supplies Frodo with alternative lembas bread, Frodo was…
