Igor stared out the window of the spaceship, his green nose smudged against the glass. They had just passed Mars, its reddish hues coppery from a giant dust storm enveloping the whole planet – and were about to enter the asteroid belt.
“You know Son,” said his dad, who was sitting at the controls, his long, bendy fingers wrapped around the control joists. “These asteroids are actually made of the same material as this spaceship.”
“Really?”
“Yep. Part of what makes them so resilient to atmospheric conditions. You know what else is made of our spaceship material?”
“No, what?”
“Saturn’s rings. You’ll see as we approach.”
They passed Jupiter, always Igor’s favorite. He could never believe that it wasn’t actually solid until they passed the Great Red Spot, its swirling gas storms sweeping his gaze into their fiery vortex, hypnotizing him with pyrotechnics.
“Jupiter, of course—” said his dad, preaching from the pilot’s chair “—is not made out of the same material as us, Saturn’s rings, or the asteroids. Quite the opposite in fact.” His dad polished his monocle before returning it to his broad green nose.
“We’d go right through it, right Dad?”
“In a manner of speaking, Son. Our spaceship is not built to withstand Jupiter’s turbulent gases.”
“Wow.” Igor turned his nose back to the window. He loved their space voyages away from the home planet, the picnics on Titan and jaunts around the Solar System. Next time he’d bring his little brother, Freddie, and show him the Great Red Spot.
“Coming up on Saturn’s rings shortly,” said his dad. Igor gazed at the thousands of teal, orange, and blue rings, banded from a distance, slowly crumbling into their individual particles as Saturn’s gaseous sphere grew to fill the entire viewfinder.
“You know, humans think Saturn’s ring particles are composed primarily of water and ice.”
Igor guffawed and choked a bit on the gum he was chewing. “Really?”
His dad laughed. “Yeah. Funny, right?” He maneuvered the spaceship onto one of the landing sites of a wide, brown particle, where several of their green brethren were directing them with bright orange guiding flares.
“If that were true, though,” said his Dad. “Would we be able to transport ourselves and our ships through the rings?”
“Nope.”
“Nope. That’s right, Son. So you see, humans don’t know as much as they think they do about the universe. They’re silly creatures, really.” Igor’s dad pressed a large red button on the control panel and with a sucking swish, Saturn’s rings and the planet itself disappeared from view, replaced by the cold dark, icy gray surface of home.
“There,” said his Dad, grinning. “Successful disapparition #99.”
Igor sighed and hopped to his feet. His dad popped the hatch of the spaceship and together they slid down the rope ladder, landing on the launchpad.
“Welcome to Pluto, home of the Plutons,” read a lopsided banner hanging off the side of the radio terminal.
“Home sweet home,” said Igor, looking wistfully one last time at the night sky, at the orange-tinged dot that was Jupiter, turning to wave at Saturn’s distant gold gleam. His dad put his arm around him and together they walked home.
A sampling of Saturn’s rings for you to eat 😉
- 2-3 onions
- ½ c cassava flour
- ½ c tigernut flour
- ½ c tapioca flour or arrowroot starch
- 1 c coconut milk or water
- 1 tsp sea salt
- 2 tb olive oil
- 2 - 3 c of coconut oil (V), pastured lard (not V), or avocado oil
- AIP mayo or coconut aminos for dipping
- For the full recipe, check out Best of Flash Fiction Kitchen, available here.
This post has been shared on Phoenix Helix’s Paleo AIP Roundtable.
I’m trying to think of a word to describe these, but I don’t think that word exists in the English language yet. How about awesome x1000? 🙂
Haha that’s too kind/too much awesomeness! 😉
Possible to use duck fat as the oil used?
Yes, if you’re so lucky to have duck fat! 😉
Can you use a substitute for tigernut flour?
Sure, I would just use more cassava flour (so 1 cup cassava, 1/2 c tapioca/arrowroot starch).
Thank you
Can you use coconut flour with these?
You could try, but coconut flour is pretty different from the ones listed so you would probably need to substantially up the liquid component in order to form a batter.
FAB U LOUS!!!!! Tasted just like the real thing, but didn’t make me sick. Thank you for this amazing recipe!
I just made these! Thank you SO much for this recipe!!!! This is the first batter I’ve made that has stuck to the onion rings and stayed on during frying. They are crispy and soooooo tastey. I used sparkling water instead of coconut milk mostly because I’ve always made batters like this with beer 🙂
So glad it worked out for you! And sparkling water is a brilliant idea, I’m going to try that next time. 🙂
What brand of sparkling water and how much?
Just tried this today with mushrooms and cauliflower and it worked surprisingly well. I tried other recipes before, but this one’s the best. I had to add a bit more water (I used carbonated water instead of coconut milk) and I got the most perfect batter, that behaved like a chocolate dip simply coating the mushrooms and the cauliflower florets without changing their shapes. Even better than the non-aip batters. Thanks for the recipe, Julie!